OT: Tools Explained

[Lloyd Johnson]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatchingflat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in thechest and flings your beer across the room, denting thefreshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the cornerwhere nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhereunder the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprintsand hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes youto say, 'Oh sh -- '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in theirholes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creationof blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minortouch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija boardprinciple. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictablemotion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the moredismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off boltheads.. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transferintense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting variousflammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting thegrease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearingrace.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch woodprojectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the groundafter you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jackhandle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shopsto cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fitinto the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead ofthe outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strengthof everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals underlids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oilon your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip outPhillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes usedto convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws andbutchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip orbracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short..

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadaysis used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive partsadjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents ofcardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularlywell on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plasticbottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plasticparts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while inuse.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garagewhile yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[TDH]

Micrometer: A measuring device that will, with high precision, inform you that you've run that board through the planer twice, and it's STILL too thin. Can also be used as a 'C' clamp in an emergency.